FLAWS, IMPERFECTIONS, REGRETS, AND YOU

Let’s start this blog by the famous saying, “practice makes a man perfect”… the question I have is why do we need to be perfect at all? Why do we have to fit the mold that is called perfection? What is a perfect daughter? The perfect wife? The perfect husband? Perfect anything for that matter? What I believe is, we should be focused on achieving excellence and not perfection.

Imagine a world, where every man is perfect, every woman is perfect… Can you even fathom the monotony?! Everybody will be the exact same replica of the other person and you would have known exactly what to expect. You would have asked a question to anyone and knew exactly what the answer was going to be. Why? Because everybody is perfect and perfection has only one facet. It is not three dimensional. 

Our flaws and imperfections are what sets us apart, makes us who we are… our true unique self which is not a replica of anyone else. And it is that aspect that adds spice, unpredictability, and adventure to life. 

FLAWS, IMPERFECTIONS AND REGRETS

Yes, I am going to talk about our flaws, imperfections, regrets and all the things that we feel embarrassed or not proud of but these are exactly the things that set us apart.

I have to share this quote by Leonard Cohen, ““There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

And how well articulated is that? Take a moment and think about it for a minute.

In fact, I don’t even like the world “flaws” or “imperfections” and I have reasoning behind both. 

Let’s talk about the word “flaw”. It has an immediate negative connotation and sends the message that it is something we should not be proud of or something that needs to be fixed. Now, “imperfection” is almost synonymous to the word “flaw” but it has the word perfection tugged into it and since perfection does not exist so does the entire word “imperfection” for me. So the latter is out of my dictionary.

Yes, over time I have created a mini dictionary for myself and the focus of the dictionary is not to learn new words but to understand the true meanings of the existing ones.

SOCIAL MEDIA AND ITS “PERFECTIONISM”

Let’s talk about this social media culture that we are all a part of. We look for validation based off of the number of likes, comments, followers. But why should we? Why a random person in this vast world who ends up visiting our profile because of the algorithm, mean so much to us? Why will his or hers like matter? Or why should their negative comment rattle us? I have thought about it…and I feel the fear of not getting the like validates the deep lying insecurity in us that we do not want to face. 

Social media has its boons and banes. But lately, I see the perfect picture, the perfect face, the perfect body…all I see is perfection as it is defined by society. But perfection like I have mentioned, does not exist. What is the reality? Cellulite, stretch marks, flabs, pimples, not the perfect nose or the teeth…that’s the reality! Accepting that is the reality. 

LET'S TALK ABOUT REGRETS

I can go on and on about the things I regret and am sure many of you can as well. But what will we get out of it? Well, that depends on how you are perceiving the regret. 

Most of the time, if not all the time, we talk about regret in terms of… I wish I did that instead of this…or… I wish that never happened. I have thought about regret like that too. But thinking that way does more harm than good. It takes you back into the time that you cannot change, then, you relive yet another time, which isn't pleasant and last but not the least, wasting precious time that could have been better utilized.

But that does not mean regrets, which is generally your past, has no merit in your life. Your past is what led to your PRESENT YOU and your present you is what will lead to the FUTURE YOU. So, how you treat and nourish your PRESENT YOU is extremely important for the YOU you want to be in the future.

I am going to share with you what has worked for me. I look at regrets as experience. Yes, what are your regrets? They are actually your experience of your life that has shaped you. You simply learn from your experience, broaden your horizon of possibilities and move on with that lesson. There is a reason why experience matters so much in the professional life, then why should it not matter in your personal life?

‘KINTSUGI’, THE JAPANESE ART

Recently, I came across this term,  Kintsugi,  which is a Japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold. Can you imagine how beautiful that is?

When I came to know about it, I just could not stop thinking about it. Think of yourself like a piece of pottery because we are like that. We are born soft and as life takes us for a spin, we slowly start taking our individual forms. But when we get some cracks and 'imperfections' along the way, we just mend it with gold.

So, instead of hiding the flaws, we dress them up in a way that it becomes the most captivating feature in us. 

IMPERFECTION AND BONDING

How many people have you seen connect over perfect lives? We connect at an emotional level where we relate to each other and understand each other. The deepest friends share their regrets and their flaws with each other and that’s when you know it’s the true connection. I mean what is the point of investing emotional energy in someone with who you can't be yourself? 

When we think about our flaws … at a high level we feel we have a lot and even before going into them we just skim over them brush over them because for whatever reason we don’t want to face them or deal with them and sometimes we leave them in the parking lot where it stays parked. 

The fact is if we gather enough courage we will see that about 90% of the flaws that we think we have are superficial and they really don’t have any merit a.k.a. they are just false. Probably only one out of 10 or maybe one out of 15 is genuine. To discover that it is very crucial that we get granular about why we think certain things are flaws or imperfections. What caused it? when did it first start? who makes us feel that way? and so on and so forth. These are the questions that we need to ask and get to the core of it and address it right there.

THE SELF-DISCOVERY EXERCISE

Let's try this.

Step 1: Write all the flaws or blockers you think you have. Write it as it is coming to your mind...does not need to be a grammatical wonder.

Step 2: Go through the list and ask questions like why? what? how? when? We are trying to validate the genuinity of the concern as well as reach to the core of it.

What might or will happen here at this step is, after drilling down just into two or three questions, the listed concern/flaw might start feeling irrelevant and dilute because it was something that was made up by the mind along the way. It will then hold no power over you because it has lost its importance.

Similarly, you might only few are a real concern that needs some deep diving and might even need professional help, which is a great way to heal and discover how to love yourself.

EMBRACE YOUR UNIQUENESS

Your imperfection is your unique selling proposition. That is what separates you from the rest of the world that is what makes the real YOU.

Be proud of the journey you have had because it takes somebody really brave to go through so much, learn and come out of it a more evolved. So, why should you be ashamed of the very thing that makes you beautiful in the most unique way?

Your imperfections and experiences is your own unique story. They are NOT your weaknesses but the very things that make you STRONG. Remember, diamonds are created under pressure and you are no less than a diamond!

So say buh-bye to Whats ifs and start asking what’s next? Like I say, "you just need to start".

Lots of Love,

Debbie